Wednesday, August 20, 2008

FEAR!

Fear. It sneaks up on me when I am least expecting it. I don’t think about it but all of a sudden I am filled with fear. I don’t even know where it come from, but out of the blue it is there staring me right in the face. Haunting me like a nightmare. Stalking me like a serial killer. Ok you get the point.
I have been so filled with fear lately. Weird scary thoughts about Carter’s cancer coming back just pop into my mind. I don’t think about these things nor do I look for them they just come…pop. My experience is that this is something I will never forget or “get over”. My son was diagnosed with cancer and rather or not that is affecting him now is irrelevant. I have shared some of these scary thoughts with my closest friends but feel I need to share them with all in hopes that releasing the fears will make them go away.
When Carter wasn’t walking all though I knew it was normal, that small voice told me it was because of the tumor. When talking to the oncologist about this she said that he would have problem with balance or putting any pressure on his legs if it was the tumor, and this was not the case.
When he started walking any time he would fall (lose his balance) or struggle with standing up that voice again would tell me it was the tumor. I swear I don’t look for these things when they happen, that stupid voice just pops in my head.
When he out eats his brother who is 3 years older, that again small but very loud voice tells me the cancer is growing and needing all the extra food.
When he gets the smallest cough or cold I immediately think the tumor is pressing on his lung, yet again.
So many of my friends tell me it is understandable to have this kind of fear, but is it? How can I say I trust God with Carter’s life but be so fearful at the same time? Is it ok to be so irrational? To try to live a “normal” life but have the “c” word lurking over my head. When will this go away? Will the fear ever go away? Will I always be paranoid about my precious sweet boy? Will the cancer come back? Oh how I wish I could know that answer. Or do I want to know? Will he live to be a grown man? Or will his life end way to short because of this nasty disease? Why do I sit here and cry over things I will not know now? Why do I cry over a very healthy boy (minus a bad cold and pink eye)? Why do I let the fear come in and over take my mind? Why? Why did this have to happen to Carter, to me, to MY family?
This all seems so stupid. Carter is happy, peaceful, and as far as we know the cancer is not growing, yet his over paranoid mother is freaking out constantly. Even his pediatrician says it ok for me to have these thought and that it is normal for what we have been through, but is it? Will Carter have a normal life if I am always wondering if or when the cancer will come back? Does all of my questioning mean I don’t trust the Mighty God that saved Carter’s life? The God who allowed us to find the cancer before it spread all over his tiny body even though he was most likely born with it. The God who gave us so much peace because all of you were praying for us those dreaded days in May. The God who CAN keep the cancer from coming back, but allowed it to be there in the first place.
I obviously don’t expect any of you to answer these questions, but to let you know what is going on in my very tired and overwhelmed mind. These are the things that keep me awake at night.
But why?

8 comments:

Deqlan said...

you know what - i drive myself crazy to and every little bump, bruise, anything different in a day drives me insane and i also get horrible thoughts running through my mind that i wish i could stop. it gets worse around scan and blood test time. every time a bad thought comes into my mind and just tell it to go away and ask God to fill my heart with inner peace, patience and trust . I also got angry with myself for thinking these things as I know Deqlan is in Gods hands and that He has already performed amazing miracles in Deqlans life.I dont think the fear will ever go away, but we can ask God to help us through it and just trust and trust - find a quiet place to get all the bad thoughts out of our minds and pretend that they are being deleted out of our heads and replace them with thought of our boys growing bigger, speaking, riding bikes, going to school, faliing in love, having kids of their own - that always helps me. i know how difficult it is, and i think only if you have been there, will you truly understand. if you want to chat or just get your thoughts out you are welcome to chat to me! Prayers for Carter and for you all, and especially for inner peace for his wonderful mommy Gina
God Bless
Samm and Deqlan
www.deqlanhiggins.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Gina,
I can not imagine what you are going through, but I think it is perfectly fine to have mixed emotions. I know that in my own life I try to give all my worries over to God, but I still worry about them as well. To me it is as if I am more sharing my burden with God. I know that he has the ultimate control; however I do not know how he will choose to carry out his plan so I feel that I still need to be on my toes and watch for signs of what is my part of the plan to carry out. I think it is perfectly fine for you to trust in God, yet still watch for symptoms that something may be wrong. God gives us tools and in Carter's case the tools God seems to have given you are the knowledge that something was wrong and to take him to the hospital. He continued on in his plan from there with letting the right tests be done, the tumor be found, the operation be successful and for the right doctors to be working with Carter. I truly believe that God takes care of us by giving us our minds and the tools to take care of ourselves and our children. We are able to find comfort, strength and knowledge through him, however a divine healing is not in the plan for everyone. We can all pray for that, and God always answers our prayers, but sometimes the answer is no. Sometimes God decides we need to take another path. He never promised to make things easy, only to make it all worth our while when we spend our eternal lives with him in bliss. You have many prayers continually for Carter, as well as for you and your family, and I have complete faith that Carter will be just fine. God has chosen you and your family not for something horrible, but to inspire many with your story. As we continue to read your blog it builds our faith, God is using your family as a tool, as a success story, to show what miracles he still performs.

Anonymous said...

Dear Gina,

I don't think that your fears mean that you dis-trust God. I think your worries are normal. Nine months ago I was diagnosed with a disease that often turns into cancer. Each time I go to the doctor I wonder if he's going to tell me that the disease has morphed into a cancerous condition. I worry a lot....but that has lead me to pray a lot too! Each day...I am constantly taking my worries to the cross. So, actually I've come to know Jesus even better through this situation. I pray that God will give you the courage to trust in HIM no matter what the future holds. We have the assurance that no matter what happens, He is there beside us. And even more, we have the assurance of rejoicing with our Maker in heaven one day. May God bless you. I am praying for you....

Anonymous said...

Gina,

I have been in remission 9 years and every year I have to do a blood test to be sure the cancer is still gone. Those are the worst days of my life even now. I try not to worry or have fears I pray and trust instead. Over the last 9 years I have learned that God was teaching me to look at what is really important not to get caught up in all the drama of the world. to believe and trust in him to take care of me and my family. I also belive that some of those fears are good it reminds us to pay attention to make sure we stay healthy to look for things we would not normally look for and it makes us appricate every day we do get. Yes I stop to smell the roses constantly.

Anonymous said...

Gina,
I'm praying Psalm 91 over you. I love you darling. Read it pray it. I love you,
Terri

Anonymous said...

Gina,
I can't imagine your daily struggle, but I can tell you: 1. continue to trust that God is awesome and in control, 2. enjoy every minute with your family, 3. know that you are prayed for daily and we love you!

Jeannie

Pam said...

Gina-
I come to your blog after going to Granton's everyday. We lost a baby about 6 mnoths ago due to Trisomy 13 and I ask some of those same questions every day. There isn't a day or night that I don't cry and think of her. It is normal to ask why? at least it is in my world because I ask it everyday. Keep your head up and when those thoughts come in your head tell them that what is important is today and today only. You can face those fears head on when when they come a reality. Go CARTER!

Anonymous said...

Gina, Reading this was helpful to me and my journey. Angella Schwemmer

Rick Warren (REMEMBER HE WROTE 'PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE')



You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren,



People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.



One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.



I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.



Life is a series of problems: Either you are in

one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into an other one.

The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort.

God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.



Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.



And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.



You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,'which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.



We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her.



It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.



You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life.
Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy.

It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before.. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.

So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm72

First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases.



Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.



Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation.

Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.



We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity?
Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do.
That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.