Monday, August 25, 2008

New Twist

Want to know a secret about me? I love blogging. I love to write, and I love to read others blogs. I know the loving to write part doesn't show but I really do. The problem I have with writing is that since this blog was created because of Carter's cancer I feel that the posts should always have to do with Carter. However, I decided to try a new twist. Even though this blog is called Carter Jay Ryan I want to start posting about life and the true randomness that occurs in it. This will more be like a Ryan family bog but keep the same name, and of course as things with Carter happen they will be posted here. I pray Carter's cancer does not come back but in case it does we will already have a blog set up to keep family and friends posted. I had another blog that was started before Carter was diagnosed, but I don't want to switch to it because I think I will lose readers. So if you object to me making this a more family oriented blog than you can comment, but I think you will just be glad to hear from me more often. Blogging is a whole new world so look forward to some fun things. Happy Monday!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Fear. It sneaks up on me when I am least expecting it. I don’t think about it but all of a sudden I am filled with fear. I don’t even know where it come from, but out of the blue it is there staring me right in the face. Haunting me like a nightmare. Stalking me like a serial killer. Ok you get the point.
I have been so filled with fear lately. Weird scary thoughts about Carter’s cancer coming back just pop into my mind. I don’t think about these things nor do I look for them they just come…pop. My experience is that this is something I will never forget or “get over”. My son was diagnosed with cancer and rather or not that is affecting him now is irrelevant. I have shared some of these scary thoughts with my closest friends but feel I need to share them with all in hopes that releasing the fears will make them go away.
When Carter wasn’t walking all though I knew it was normal, that small voice told me it was because of the tumor. When talking to the oncologist about this she said that he would have problem with balance or putting any pressure on his legs if it was the tumor, and this was not the case.
When he started walking any time he would fall (lose his balance) or struggle with standing up that voice again would tell me it was the tumor. I swear I don’t look for these things when they happen, that stupid voice just pops in my head.
When he out eats his brother who is 3 years older, that again small but very loud voice tells me the cancer is growing and needing all the extra food.
When he gets the smallest cough or cold I immediately think the tumor is pressing on his lung, yet again.
So many of my friends tell me it is understandable to have this kind of fear, but is it? How can I say I trust God with Carter’s life but be so fearful at the same time? Is it ok to be so irrational? To try to live a “normal” life but have the “c” word lurking over my head. When will this go away? Will the fear ever go away? Will I always be paranoid about my precious sweet boy? Will the cancer come back? Oh how I wish I could know that answer. Or do I want to know? Will he live to be a grown man? Or will his life end way to short because of this nasty disease? Why do I sit here and cry over things I will not know now? Why do I cry over a very healthy boy (minus a bad cold and pink eye)? Why do I let the fear come in and over take my mind? Why? Why did this have to happen to Carter, to me, to MY family?
This all seems so stupid. Carter is happy, peaceful, and as far as we know the cancer is not growing, yet his over paranoid mother is freaking out constantly. Even his pediatrician says it ok for me to have these thought and that it is normal for what we have been through, but is it? Will Carter have a normal life if I am always wondering if or when the cancer will come back? Does all of my questioning mean I don’t trust the Mighty God that saved Carter’s life? The God who allowed us to find the cancer before it spread all over his tiny body even though he was most likely born with it. The God who gave us so much peace because all of you were praying for us those dreaded days in May. The God who CAN keep the cancer from coming back, but allowed it to be there in the first place.
I obviously don’t expect any of you to answer these questions, but to let you know what is going on in my very tired and overwhelmed mind. These are the things that keep me awake at night.
But why?

Friday, August 15, 2008

Wonderful Gift

Carter received a wonderful gift yesterday and I must say it is the best gift ever. I saw a box sitting on the counter when I got home from work yesterday that had Carter's name on it. I was curious and immediately opened it. What I saw was so shocking and exciting. Carter received a St. Louis Cardinals 2006 World Series Champions hat. On the hat is written: "To Carter God Bless You, A. Pujols"

It is the neatest thing ever. I can't even grasp that someone famous would take time to not only sign a hat for my son but also put effort into writing Carter's name. Albert Pujols is definitely up there in my book. (as if that matters)

Okay so I am sure you are wondering how in the world did a 1 year old get something so cool and valuable. Well when Carter was diagnosed we were told about a program called Caps for Kids. They give caps to children with cancer and you can pick your top 3 picks of who you want to autograph a hat. Well, our top pick was Albert Pujols but we thought it would just be his autograph on a plain Jane hat not a cool World Series hat. So of course we were stoked (that means really excited) about the hat and just in case anyone is wondering we are going to put it up in a display case. Here are a few pictures and I will try to get some better ones soon. Hopefully a post about vacation and some pictures will soon follow but until then, we had a wonderful time and did not want to come home.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Time flies

Wow! I can't believe it has been almost two weeks since I posted. We are leaving for Florida tomorrow and to say I am REALLY excited would be an understatement. I just wanted to post to say we are all doing great life has just been really busy. Evan has become a professional swimmer in his 2 weeks of swim lessons. OK so not really but it was very impressive. I'm anxious to see how he does after spending a week in the water. I look forward to posting pictures of our vacation. We are going with some friends and I know it will be amazing. Please pray we are still half way sane after spending 15 hours in the car with 2 children. Oh yeah, Carter is REALLY walking now. I mean this baby walks everywhere. It still catches me off guard, and cracks me up. Have a great week while we are relaxing on the beach!